Leaving behind an echo of praise

My boots dug their heels into the crowd of leaves covering the back patio as the tears clung to my eyelashes in vain. There is no use denying it anymore. I took my last steps through my childhood house. Scanning my eyes across the backyard, the memories pushed and shoved to steal my attention. Sledding down the hill with Neil and Kim. Tossing cornhole with my friends. Watching Oliver strut across the patio. Hearing Dad call my name from the bottom of the basement steps. Mom's hugs. The more I remembered, the more I felt relieved that the sad song my heart was singing wasn't playing to the melody of a place but of a time that is now past.

As my feet crossed the threshold of the basement doors, I turned back my head to let the melody of worship bounce off the walls of the empty room, leaving behind an echo of praise to the God who lent us such a place to live and grow.

My foot pressed on the accelerator to lead me forward, and through the veil of tears I could see the ghost of a small girl running up the front yard as I drove away, wildly waving her arms goodbye.

Uncaged

To put the pin on where you've been,
to discover the ingredients
of the recipe previously hidden,

To unwind the tangles in your hair,
to move back from the edge of the chair
and exhale,

Oh, what relief
when the trouble is found
and the soul is unbound.

Once it is named
my growling emotions are tamed
and freedom is gained.

The Autumn Sun

An autumn sun setting behind the bare trees in the cool crisp air
casts a warm glow through the trees and over the field
exhausted from a day of fighting the overcast sky,
he gently lays down to rest with dignity and humility
for he knows that even when he is not shining,
he is still the sun

Like a wind-up doll

Time ticks by mercilessly it seems. I try not to watch. I want to keep my hands busy and my heart full. My heart is delighted by Father who is good in every way. His presence is the sun that warms me; His kindness is the water that cleanses me; His discipline is the fire that purifies me; His promises are the wind that carries me; His word is the food that nourishes me.

My back is every day in knots over the frustrations of this life. I peer out beneath my furrowed brow at unfinished tasks and, like a wind-up doll, brace myself for the tight winds that strain the back, followed by the frenzy of motion and hurried movements. Like a mechanical toy, I complete the menial tasks that each day demands. Do they call for such stress? No, release me from this laborious perspective.

Luke recounts the story of two sisters who invited Jesus to their house. While one sister ran around feverishly to make preparations, the other sister simply sat at Jesus' feet and listened. Jesus teaches us that the latter of the two made the best decision. There are many things that worry and upset us in this life, but only one is necessary.

As I sit at Jesus feet and listen, I am reminded of the cost of discipleship. Following Jesus means taking up our cross daily. I will gladly welcome the tightness in my back when it is born from the weight of a cross, a self-denial and a holy frustration producing fruit of love and justice.


Why does my back hurt?

Security

Our pastor shared this morning about a psychological trait that is said to be different among men and women. While men and women alike desire both security and significance, males are more often drawn to significance and females to security.

I was searching for that security when I was driving home tonight from my new residence. I went through a checklist in my mind. I won't be sleeping in the same house or living in the same town. I won't be returning to the same school this fall. I'm no longer the student but now I'm the teacher. Just when I felt myself grasping around in the dark for something to hold on to, I remembered to turn on the light.

God is my constant security. Even if every circumstance in my life were changing (which is not the case), I know that He would not change. "...for He has said, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you.'" (Hebrews 13:5)

I am reminded of a trip to Spain in which I sat on a large window sill of a hostel and recalled all of the new things that I was encountering. Fear was far from my mind as I contemplated that the same God I worshiped in America was the same God in Spain.

"Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast."
Psalm 139:7-10

I dream of future opportunities to further cleave myself from the familiar of this world in search of the unknown in the next. I pray that I would have the courage to accept them.

A familiar beat

Beat tap tap
I don't understand that
play it again
I'm beginning to see a trend.

Never stop
don't let the beat drop
I feel in time
rewind rewind

Don't mind me
I come here often in my dreams
like an unfinished thought
indecision I've bought

The past calls me back
telling me it's you that I lack
I could live in the memories
or forever be set free

In presence or in absence
like a familiar fragrance
the memory of you remains
your salvation in my prayer is entertained.

Searching for some truth...

Don't fear the pen though it may speak truth

my heart yearns for clarity, for You.

it's been too long, i need to be still

to know you are God, to know you are real

i don't fear the morning with it's uncertainties

nor my faults, my losses, my enemies

i fear only the Lord and trust in Him

though the trust is tried in the daily interim